Jermayne Gaynes. She is insayne. So for all of you that don’t know, I have moved in with a crazy lady that is totally crazy. She is 51, 5'4", "luscious green eyes." I posted an add on craigslist.com because I was not getting any responses from any of the people that had adds on the site. So she calls and tells me all about this place, little fast in the speaking area. I thought about it for a couple days because it is on Stauten Island and I wanted to be closer to my affairs. I figured since I am not getting any other responses so I wanted to stay there. And it would be cool I would get to take the ferry everyday.

I'm not really sure how to make this story great, well I could get josh to write it, and it would be this... amazing. But bare with me it is an adventure regardless of the writer.

I arrive in New York, after a 14-hour flight I am grumpy, groggy, tired, hungry, and lacking a dose of nicotine. I show up to the place, and the front door is kind of sketchy, the foyer door was not locked, and then I find her apartment and it looks like it was busted down a few times. I come in, and this is how she greets me:

"Oh my god, Tyler, its you, its really you. I'm so glad to see you, I thought I had you arrested, I had to call the cops on this guy, and get him arrested cause he came in here and stole my wallet, but I had everything I needed. I hope they put him in jail cause he deserves it. But I thought it was you, I called my mother and asked her what should I do, I think I put this guy in jail, she said. “GO FIND HIM.” and I called the station but I didn’t know your last name. Then my window busted in. it almost destroyed my kitchen table. But I'm so glad you are here. You flew into my apartment like... like... like a bumblebee. You’re like a ray of sunshine. Do you want to go get a drink? I'm so twisted."

By this time I'm not believing that my roommate is this crazy, and I am thinking I would really like a fucking drink. Jermayne and I walk down to the cornerstone to buy some booze. I hear this story another 5 - 10 times, and at this point I just want to relax and unwind from my flight.

Now I am getting little freaked out, cause I think that they are going to rip me off. I'm just sitting there like a dear in headlights.

At this point I'm beginning to panic because I'm going to have to spend a whole month here dealing with this fucking crazy home.

One thing I forget to mention is that her fuck buddy, landlord, or boyfriend is there with us. Whatever their relationship is so fucking dysfunctional, I don’t even know what kind of man would stick around in her life longer than 5 hours is beyond me. I don’t even care if it is the best sex of my life, I would not be able to handle the horror of Jermayne. Back to the dysfunction: when I arrive, I am introduced to her friend nick, and he is trying to fix the window, and talking to Jermayne about a pin in the window and if she had one she would be able to fix it. They would bicker back and forth, like Dane Cook explains the nothing fight.

"Do you have a pin for this window?"
"No, what does this look like a fucking toolbox."
"Well, Jermayne, if I had some tools I would be able to fix it."

"JERMAYNE, shut it already!

I was standing there in shock, because I have never seen anything like it.

After we have a few drinks I call josh, cause I'm fucking panicked because I don’t know what the hell to do. So I tell him that I am freaked out, and I wanted to see him the next morning.

So then the next minute I am beginning to have fun, because I can actually control jermayne, and control the situation. Unlike being talked AT by 2 people, who are begging for your attention. THEY WERE TALKING TO ME AT THE SAME TIME!!! Not only that, but also shouting over loud music. I am having fun now, I am thinking ok this is alright, I can handle this, and it is not so bad. Nick suggests that we play cards, and tells jermayne to get them. We start playing cards, and Jermayne just changes into this maniacal bitch, and telling nick to disappear.

“You are a fucking asshole, you know that, I hate you, I wish you would just go away, fuck you!”

Now this is right before bed, and she is totally hammered, and I am right back where I was before, FREAKED OUT.

Here is how I end the day, I go into my room to try my ONLY line of communication, which is trying to steal the Internet and pray that someone is on msn. So I somehow got lucky and managed to find wireless, and Keltie was on. I was trying to beg for her help, and made it sound like I was in danger. I was saying stuff like Keltie I am so freaked out, I need your help more than ever, but all I wanted her to do was calm me down and suggest what I should do. I think this is all she has heard, and then my Internet goes down, so now there is someone in Calgary worrying about my well-being. But, I am fine now, and I found her on msn the next day, and told her that everything is cool.


I think that if i write over 1000 words that i will explode. especially in one sitting. so tune in next time for more Jermayne antics.

Need i remind you that i have only known her for no more than 6 hours, and i can already write 1000 words about her. you just wait till i can do my jermayne impression.